How Samuel Mother Fucking Jackson Mother Fucking Saved Mother Fucking Christmas Mother Fucker

How Samuel Mother Fucking Jackson Mother Fucking Saved Mother Fucking Christmas Mother Fucker—A Children’s Story.

By Kevin Brianchesko

( the epic story )

 

So a couple years back
It’s Christmas Day,
And I’m on this mother fucking greyhound bus traveling home
And I kid you not
Samuel Mother fucking Jackson
Is sitting on the mother fucking seat

Right next to mother fucking me

And I just look at him and go

“I just got eaten by a mother fucking shark motherfucker!”

And he’s like,
“You ignorant cracker motherfucker!”
And I go,
“I fucking love you motherfucker!
Merry Christmas Bitch!”
And this motherfucker is all,
“Sit your mother fucking ass down!”
So I sat while replying—

“Whatever you say Mase mother fucking Windu.”

But he didn’t respond.

So I’m all mother fucking quiet too
And I notice that Samuel Mother Fucking Jackson
Was looking kind of sad
So I opened up my peanuts threw them in my mouth and said,
“Mmm mmm bitch.”
But still, no response—

So I’m mother fucking worried,

And I look at him and go,
“Sam…what’s wrong motherfucker?”
Now this is when this is where the story gets weird.
Samuel. Mother Fucking. Jackson.
Actually started opening up to me
And he said,

“They wouldn’t let me bring my newborn baby kitten on this motherfucking bus.”

And I’m like,
“Those motherfuckers.”
And he repeats,
“Motherfuckers indeed.”
And I’m like,
“Do you know why that wouldn’t let you bring your

newborn kitten on the motherfucking bus?”

But he just shrugged his shoulders and began to cry.

Samuel Mother Fucking Jackson was crying next to me.

And I said,
“Sam, you can’t always do the right thing,
You did that enough in the 80’s.
This bus driver is a Menace II Society
Don’t take this lying down!”
And he’s all,
“What can I do you ignorant cracker ass cracker mother
fucker?”
And I’m like,
“I’ll tell you what you can do!
It’s time to get medieval on some mother fuckers!
And he’s all,
“You’re right. I am Samuel Mother Fucking Jackson.”
And I’m thinking,

“That’s not what I said, but whatever.”

That’s when Sam Jackson and I went into action—

At the next stop

Sam and I snuck to the cargo hold

And he hid his baby kitten in his jacket.

Little did I realize however that
Samuel Mother Fucking Jackson is addicted to PCP
And the lining of his jacket
Was filled with the mother fucking stuff.
The bus hits a pothole
His kitten get scared
And starts licking the white crystals
Then it starts REALLY freaking out

And before I could say, “Black Snake Moan”

It flew from his jacket,

Attacking people left and right,
People are yelling,
“What the fuck is going on!?”
And Sam and I are like,
“It’s a kitten!
A mother fucking kitten is on the bus!”
And everyone is yelling,
“Stop the mother fucking bus.”
And the bus driver’s like,
“I can’t! There’s a bomb on the bus,
and if we go under 55 miles per hour,
we’re all gonna die!”
And I’m like,
“That’s not even a Sam Jackson reference!
What the fuck are you talking about!?”
And the bus driver’s like,

“But didn’t you say the cat was on speed?!”
And I’m like,

“You tricky motherfucker!”

Nonetheless, people were dying left and right.

Then, big surprise, Sam starts screaming

(Sidenote: He may have just been talking,

but it is sometimes hard to tell the difference…back to the story)

Anyways, Sam is screaming,
“Somebody stop this mother fucking kitten!”
And I’m like,
“Calm down Sam, it could be worse!”
And Sam’s like,
“How could it be worse?!”
And I’m like,
“Well what if we were on an airplane?”
And he’s all,
“That wouldn’t be much worse.”
And so I’m like,

“Well what if there were like a thousand kittens on the plane?!”

And Sam’s all,
“It still wouldn’t be much worse than this!”
And so I’m like,

“Well what if instead of kittens, it was snakes?

And Sam Jackson just looked down at me and smiled.

Then he cut a hole in the side of the bus with his light saber

And the air pressure sucked out the crazy kitty—

Long story short, 14 people died on that fateful day
That our history books now refer to as the
“Pussycat Bus of Death.”
And I know that the movie epic Snakes On A Plane
Was actually a message to me.

And I want to take this chance to respond,

“You’re welcome Sam—
You’re mother fucking welcome.”